written 10/20/09- personal free write draft, unprompted..
I cannot find an anchorNot that I need to be held in one place or need one at all
For my ship was never meant to dock anywhere. I continue moving, continuing swaying as the waves rock my boat side to side
I will not be moved, though my body moves my heart and mind shall not..
My ship tips as those I meet get on my boat-some leaving and more joining. As those jump of the side of my boat not only am I experiencing the rocking from the initial plunge but they try and climb back in and I must choose to move on..
My life will forever rock- for my rocking will calm some souls to sleep, but as I do I will still have to make peace with the violent rocking of others trying to stir others awake to the world of complicated unrest and death
Give me power give me strength, I shall fear not the waves that are to come- for I know they are there...
I do not need an anchor I do not even need a voice. I need but only a hand.
A hand to hold to pull others in, a hand to stroke the heads of oppressed, a hand to cover the gossiping mouth, a hand to hold others in pain, a hand to call on my Lord God for help, a hand to adjust the sails of my boat toward eternity...
I struggle with each day and yearn for the next opportunity. I hate pain but love it even more. Give me the worst pain, Give me the hardest blow, Shoot holes in my sails, Pull those closest to me away, Do what you have to do- don’t let the rocking stop.
For I am strong. I know what will get me through. I do not need things of the land or people on it. I am an open vessel- refine the goods on board, make me the most luxurious of all. Do what you need to do to make my ship unforgettable...
I do not sit down and read a map. I do not sit down and listen to those on another ship. For I watch those boats ahead of me and analyze their movements and actions, but not the ship itself. I find I waste much time when I analyze someone else’s ship and how I think theirs should be. For I sails in the water in which many before me have sailed, and many more will after me- for I say once again I do not get caught up in how I think other’s ships should be, but rather examine how I conduct my own ship and contemplate my next move based on the successes and failures of those before me. Do not think that I am a self-centered ship, for I am far from that, I yearn to focus on my actions before judging that of someone else’s...
I look at the north boat and from my perspective it is closer to the horizon than myself. However the north boat sees me as being closer to the horizon. All judgment is based solely on perspective. Circumstances may seem a certain way to the north boat than it may seem to me. Oh but did the north boat not take into account that there is a strong storm coming that is going to blow it so hard that with one faulty move he will be pushed back to where it started. Or did it not think that the lack of light in its light has caused his perspective to be dimmed and narrowed. We all have perspectives and assumptions we hold, which I suggest should never be made into a judgment. Live openly, be responsible for you actions, but not quick to point the finger or direction in the way one should go. The mouth is virtually useless when we talk of these ships- it is the way we sail our ships that leave a lasting impression- if you will an example of a voyage to follow or to forget...
At night as my boat rocks I cannot see where I am going but all I know is to follow my light. I sway in emotion just as the tides that smooth against my boat. I lay exhausted from the plunges of those things leaving my boat, but lay rested with the new things replaced by them. Though at times I may look at my boat and see an empty vessel, when the light glimmers off the water it hits my boat and pierces me through my chest. I fall to my knees as a splash of water falls over my face- my tears…my tears… my joy… my love…. I am filled… I am overflowing…. I am only but a vessel…I am not what I am… I do not own what comes from me… I do not sit in the glory of what I am- for I am capable of something just as much as the other vessel next to me… What sets me apart…. the source I fuel my engine… I do choose to smoke or burn the plants of the earth to escape the vigor and trials of boat life, nor do I seek the water of those of the land…I don’t want those things to anchor my journey. Id rather choose to feel everything- the pain... everything- anything and everything-all that the light wants me to feel…
I give all I can give till I can go no more…My boat was not made to please others and was not made to please myself either. I am just a ship that can not forever sail on the peak of the wave, I have my lows and I am not a perfect example. I may strive to be- but seems lately as though the other boats only want to point out my lows and how Im not reaching the peak. But my peak is so different than your peak… your peak is felt in different ways than me. You were built different than I- so why do you choose to plunge from my boat to create more rocking… more of a low...
No anchoring in my life: for I am not an empty vessel, I do not live for the land or choose to make things of the land a part of my life, I do not judge you- I learn from you, I stay beside you: I applaud you in your highest peaks and I tie myself to you in your lows… For the more I feel the more my heart loves and the more my heart loves the more I am filled...
I am not a boat or ship after all.. I am not an empty or full vessel and I am not an anchor... I am but a spirit living and growing in the light being cast on me…I may look back at the shadow that is created behind me as the light is hitting me and though I may receive judgment for it as others watch me look back- nothing will stop me from striving to grow closer to the light….
